Banality

The Second Essay, Which You Will Most Likely Read First, Since it is On Top of The Other One. None The Less, it is Still The Second Essay

2005-03-15T22:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here is this essay I wrote about "Amelie" and "Rushmore," as you can see by the title, I honestly jack off to how clever I think I am.

Rushmore and Amelie or:
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Quirky Coming of Age Saga

The coming of age story is nothing new in cinema history. In fact, it is one of the most overused and abused of all themes. However, these films offer proof as to why this cliché still may have some life or originality left in it. Both films tell the story of an outsider—an eccentric who must learn to somehow cooperate with the outside world, while maintaining their own individuality. They were also both created outside of the mainstream Hollywood system, and therefore are not as concerned with commercial success as with artistic statement and meaningful sentiment. However, the stories themselves are very, very different and are told in very different ways.
Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s Amelie is the story of a woman caught up in her own dream world, scared to face reality, and scared to face the ultimate disappointment she assumes can only come from allowing people into her life. The story uses her overactive imagination to a large extent as a dramatic tool, in the sense that it allows whimsical (not to mention beautiful and heartwarming) speculation on the film’s main enigma codes. It also plays a part in the symbolic coding of the film. These enigmas are what drive the character development and plot, as well as force an intellectual and emotional investment in the viewer as to the discovery of answers to these delightfully obscure riddles. Aesthetically, this film is also very dreamlike; as if it took place in Amelie’s imagination. The addition of a completely omniscient narrator adds to the overall sense that this is a modern fairytale.
Wes Anderson’s Rushmore is the far more realistic of these two. Although that isn’t saying very much, as even this film is so offbeat that many viewers, expecting a mainstream story and easily recognizable characters, found the film off-putting and unbelievable. This film rarely uses enigma to drive the plot; in fact, any mystery is usually solved by the end of the scene in which it was introduced. Unlike Amelie, the viewer is not invited to be on equal footing with characters. We are meant to observe, from an almost omniscient standpoint, the misdeeds and mistakes of the characters. We always know better the motivations of the other characters. This is mostly used for comedic effect, as the conflicting motivations of each character are the driving force of this plot.
In Amelie, we see in the opening credits a young girl, playful, happy, but alone. Our first impression is corroborated when the heterodiegetic narrator begins the film by introducing us to Amelie’s childhood. Both her mother and father are explained to the viewer as being obsessive and unfeeling. She is, “slung between a neurotic and an iceberg,” as it’s put in the film. After a brief introduction of her childhood, which serves to develop the characters, we are told that, “in 48 hours, Amelie’s life will change forever, but she doesn’t know it yet.” Nor does the viewer; all that is shown is a brief flash of news-like shot of a car crash. The first enigma of the film is introduced. Later we find out that the car crash that was alluded to was the death of Princess Diana of Wales, which, when she sees on television, causes her to drop the top of a bottle, which rolls into the floor molding, and breaks it. This leads her to discover a time capsule another tenant hid a long time ago. This sort of serendipitous causation is commonplace throughout the film. Each enigma serves to introduce in some way the next, creating a balanced and somehow believable causal relationship to the chain of events. The death of Princess Diana leads to her finding the time capsule, which leads to her newfound joy in helping people. This, in turn, leads to her own realization that she must open herself up to the world, which in turn motivates her attempt to find love, which she does, through a dizzying succession of encounters much akin to those already stated. While many supporting characters further this goal, the overall impression is that the viewer walks hand in hand with Amelie through her trials and tribulations.
Rushmore is decidedly less inclined to inculcate upon the viewer a sense of somehow being part of the story. It begins with a scene in which Max Fischer, the film’s protagonist, dreams that he has solved the world’s most complicated math problem, and has won the admiration of his fellow students. The clapping and chanting of his name in this is found to be the clapping he is woken by in the chapel, where Herman Blume is about to speak. This is meant as a brief introduction into the mind of Max Fischer—his motivation is simply to be loved by all. His narcissistic and overly self-indulgent passions are a main focus in this film. We aren’t meant to see the story from Max’s point of view, instead, we are only to observe. The next scene, where Herman Blume gives a speech denouncing the “rich kids,” telling those “who weren’t born with a silver spoon in their mouths” to attack the rich kids serves to portray him and Max as kindred souls. Max is observed at the end of this scene giving Herman a standing ovation, while the others don’t so much as even clap. Eventually the plot thickens when both Herman and Max fall in love with the same first grade teacher, and both of their lives fall into ruin because of the “war” this starts between them.
While Amelie is dizzyingly fluid in it’s story telling, Rushmore is more formal. In Amelie, the story has direct causation from the events that take place, thus it seems that time elapses naturally throughout the story—except, of course, for the beginning, which explains her childhood, then let’s the viewer know through the indexical signography of seasons passing outside of her window, as well as a voiceover, that years have passed. The next time we see Amelie, she is fully-grown. Rushmore takes place over a period of roughly five months. We know this, because sporadically throughout the film there are iconic signs of play curtains with the names of the upcoming month on them, letting us know where we are in time, and connoting a sense that this story is set up like one of Max’s plays. Further, Rushmore makes use of montage in many instances to show Max’s planning, or his execution, of his schemes.
Amelie is very heavy on Symbolic signs. For instance, as Raphael Dufayel attempts to paint the girl with the glass of water in a Renoir reproduction, he and Amelie use her as a metaphor for Amelie’s place in life. As the film goes on, this recurring discussion becomes a way of expressing Amelie’s current state to the viewer. Another incredibly important symbol is the man in Nino’s picture book, who constantly has his photo taken, and then rips them up. Amelie goes through many whimsical and unrealistic theories, until she realizes that he is just the photo booth repairman, which symbolizes her journey towards accepting the real world. These are both important plot points, completely based on symbolic signs. Indexical signs are sometimes used, for instance, to show time lapse or a change in location. When Amelie is searching for the owner of the time capsule, shots of metro trains are used to infer that she is cris-crossing the city, trying to find him.
Many scenes in Rushmore begin with the use of an iconic or indexical to show place, or to set up a joke. For instance, after learning of Max’s plan to build a Marine Observatory for Miss Cross, we then see a baseball players, and then a marching band and stage, signifying that this is Max’s groundbreaking ceremony for the Aquarium, and that he is planning to build it on the site of the school’s baseball diamond without first having consulted anyone in the school’s administration. Another example is the scene of Herman’s sons’ birthday party. We immediately get the sense that he is an outcast, when we see everyone else gathered around the children, while Herman sits on the other side of the pool. We are also introduced to his failing marriage when we see a shot of his wife flirting with another man as Herman watches.
In both Amelie and Rushmore, the main characters basic conflict is one that is solved by self-realization and growth. Amelie’s basic conflict is that she is in need of love, and the ability to open up to people; this is basically expressly stated in a myriad of ways throughout the film. Max’s conflict is both with the outside world and with himself. While the outer conflict over Miss Cross, between him and Herman Blume, drives the film, the ultimate resolution is found when he learns to live with his place in life.
Both films provide adequate resolution, but Rushmore’s is far more ambiguous. We realize at the end of Amelie that happiness has been found for her and each of the supporting characters that mirror her need for growth and the courage to open up to the world. This is relatively easy and is shown in action, as she rides off with Nino, her new love, and when her father, who had been mourning the loss of his wife for far too long, finally takes a much-needed vacation. (This is, by the way, portrayed with the iconic sign of him hailing a cab and having suitcases.) In Rushmore, however, Max does not get the object of his desire, Miss Cross. What he ends up with is the realization that having his friend Herman back, having a relationship with a girl his own age, and getting his life back together, is worth the compromise of not getting the object of his desire.
As stated, while both of these fine films deal with the ability of an individual to grow into their place in the world, they go about their storytelling in very different ways. While Rushmore is far more formal in its motivationally based plot line, Amelie uses serendipitous action to move the plot, which retains the sense of fantasy prevalent throughout. Further, the position of the viewer is very different. While in Amelie we share an ignorance that keeps us involved with story in order to find resolution concurrently with her, Rushmore’s comedy of errors dictates that we must have knowledge beyond what the characters know at certain points.

Two Essays on Film

2005-03-15T21:54:00.000-08:00

For some reason, the last two essays I've written that I've actually been proud of in any sense were both on film. Both will be reproduced here, for your perusal and eventual ecstasy caused by my pseudo philosophic/intellectual musings. One is on "Dead Man Walking" and the other a comparative piece on "Amelie" and "Rushmore," respectively.

Left or Right—We’re all Human

The question of whether or not to allow the death penalty has been heatedly debated for as long as anyone alive today can remember. It’s a testament to the polarizing effect of this issue that no meaningful, decisive action has really been taken by the government on it. The federal government meekly makes it an issue of “federalism” whenever it can, while no federal death penalty exists, other than for treason. The states, taking the example of federal “buck-passing,” allow the issue to go directly to voters by way of putting it directly on ballots, instead of putting themselves at the mercy of angry supporters on either side of the issue. So, instead of a coherent death penalty policy throughout the country, the United States is torn on the issue; while many states have no death penalty, others have a death penalty not actively used. Still others use it often, and in some very dubious situations, like Texas. It could be this model that Tim Robbins followed when making “Dead Man Walking”—the arguments of either side of the issue are both well represented, but ultimately moot points in the story. Much like the issue itself, it is up to the individual to decide which political philosophy is more resonant throughout the story. However, the movie itself, by including both sides in such a manner, forces the thinking viewer to come to only one reasonable conclusion: that the death penalty itself is not a matter for partisan political bickering, but simply more senseless killing.
The government, ironically the true hand of death in the story, remains largely faceless throughout the story. Much like their position in real life, they simply carry out the will of the people. When sister Helen asks the “left foot” guard how he feels about seeing the deaths of these men, his immediate response is simply that it has no effect on him—he’s simply doing his job. No one responsible for carrying out the sentence ever seems to hold a position one way or the other. This sense of cold, unfeeling duty is utterly apparent in the emotionally tense final meeting of Mathew and his family. In the final moments of their time together, they are not allowed one final embrace, due, as the warden says, to “security concerns.” That the face of the government could be so cold towards the very essence of humanity, a mother’s love for her child is the manifestation of absolute apathy towards life that is the government’s modus operandi throughout.
The balance of political philosophy in this movie is quite subtle, but apparent when one attempts to discern which basic argument the movie is taking. While Mathew begins the movie portrayed as the very common victim of the system, by the end he has turned into what the courts and the victim’s of his crime had always claimed: a murderer and a rapist. This evolution from commonly used liberal anti-death penalty example to perfect conservative pro-death penalty canon fodder is actually what makes this film’s message so clear. Mathew begins the movie as a self-styled victim; a cynical defeatist who feels bad for himself, but most importantly, he claims he is innocent. While the viewer may not like him at this point, it’s still better that he goes free than be killed senselessly. Throughout the movie we slowly learn of his responsibility for the horrendous crimes he was rightly convicted of. More importantly, however, through this journey he is humanized. The viewer no longer sees the angry young man that is grudgingly viewed as innocent, but the soft-spoken, scared, endearing rapist and murderer who cares more for his mother and brothers than he does for himself. To go from an unlikable innocent to a highly human murderer and rapist is the shifting duality that makes the actual political stance of the film a moot point. Because he fits neither ideology, Mathew must be seen as a human, not as a propagandist’s tool. It is this humanism that ultimately shines through in the movie. This speaks louder than the conflicting ideologies that the movie preaches. If Mathew fit into both sides of the argument, and still evoke sympathy from the viewer, than the stock points of argumentation of either side can have no merit.
The parents of the victims also play an important role in muting these dueling ideologies. The first impression they make on the viewer is that of an enemy to Mathew’s cause. While the viewer can still sympathize with their loss, Mathew’s claims of innocence mean the viewer sees them as misguided, narrow, and ignorant. However, they too are humanized in a way that muddies political talking points. The death penalty is predicated upon the idea that justice is done once the murderer is murdered. “An eye for an eye,” as the Old Testament puts it. However, we realize that in the case of murder, there is no answer. As Mathew says himself in his final speech, he hopes that his helps the Delacroix’s and the Percy’s deal with their grief. But this is ironic, as we realize after that it has not helped anyone involved. Mr. Delacroix has still lost his wife and his son—Mathew’s death didn’t help any of his current problems.
Further, the way in which the Percy family treats Sister Prejean with complete disrespect when they come to the realization that she hasn’t “switched sides,” as they call it, is more evidence of the apolitical nature of the story. The wording of this cannot be an accident. The Percy family represents rightist side of the argument, and is thus portrayed as inconsolably, hurt and very narrow-minded. Sister Prejean represents the concern for human life that is the heart of this film. She actively seeks out both sides, trying to help everyone involved the best way she can. In this capacity, she also acts as the medium through which we view the story. Anyone, especially the government, who treats her badly is ultimately not meant to be seen as a “good,” or at least worthy of sympathy. She has no interest but the alleviation of pain for everyone, and thus we immediately like her character.
The scene in which Mathew’s death sentence is carried out is filled with imagery and symbolism that is only decipherable when taken as a whole. Mathew’s final speech, one of love, not hatred, comes only after every possible means of for him to escape death have been exhausted. However, he still asks for forgiveness, and his death is still the makings of a martyr. He consigns to die so that others may gain some comfort. Which of course, the viewer sees later is not the case, further adding to the senselessness of his death. He states in that speech that, “killing is wrong, no matter who does, whether its me or ya’ll or the government.” The vision of Hope and Walter as a reflection in the window, watching over Mathew’s demise is meant to show how death only begets more death; that both scenarios are still murder, regardless of circumstance. The fact that Mathew’s body is much in the same position as Hope and Walter’s, as well as a reference to his martyrdom, only serve to reinforce the senselessness of all three of them dying.
With all of this in mind, it becomes clear that this movie is really not political at all. It’s simply human. This movie can use both ideologies to serve its own purposes because, as is shown, this is not a propagandist’s tale, but a story of death and the senseless destruction of families because of it. It does not contend to say what is right or wrong about either side of the argument, but to show the effects of death in any form. In that sense, it accomplishes its goal: to show the futility of murder justifying murder, because either way death is the same.

I like to have "Banality"

2005-03-08T05:35:00.000-08:00

I've been up all night.
I have nothing to do. So I decided to make fun of MTV.
Why is it that people on Room Raiders and the appropriately titled "Wanna Come Inside" always describe themselves the same way?

Seriously, every speech is something akin to this:

"My name's Jamie, I'm a white suburbanite college student at a large state-funded university. I'm a marketing/finance/accounting major. I really like listening to music. (ed. note- Instead of what? Whale sounds?) I love to hang out with my friends, play sports, and have fun!"
Well, Jamie, not many people like to have "boredom," now do they?
Seriously, have these people never seen an episode of either show? Do they not see that each and every person describes themselves in this manner? OR is that why they do it? (Cue "duh-duh duuuuh"-type music for effect)
On second thought, it can probably be at least partially attributed to what I can only assume are the large amounts of Rufinol these women ingest each weekend.
Seriously, MTV should just come out and issue a mandate that from this point forward, everyone they put on television is an athlete, a business major, likes "music" and "fun." Then maybe we could actually glean something about each individual, instead of learning that each and every one share nearly identical hobbies,backgrounds, and interests.

Wait, did I just assume that these people actually have a "personality" to speak of? How silly of me. They most certainly do not. I'm sure they would resent the intimation that they were in any way original or exceptional. I will never--ever--question their mediocrity again. I apologize.

Why not--and I'm going out on a limb here--stop me, please, if this is completely stupid--explain what your idea of "fun" is?
Would that be so hard, or are you afraid that MTV viewers will look down you when you explain you enjoy getting drunk at a bar that plays Top 40 radio all night long while you idiotically dance with your metallic tube top-clad sorority sisters until you scuttle home, desperately, with the last person who bought you a drink?
I am quite confident that they will not. Because they all do the same thing.

Also,

Dear People-In-The-Van-Having-Their-Rooms-Raided,
Please stop with your overblown bullshit self-flagellation whenever the "raider" (not of the Lost Ark variety, unfortunately) says or does something slightly controversial. Like finding your porn. Seriously, everyone has porn. Shut.The.Fuck.Up. Oh, and, if you could, please tell the raider when you meet for that final reckoning at the end of the show that they should really learn not to assume that someone is a slut because you find condoms in their room.
Seriously, do those people not use condoms? Is it so hard to believe that one would keep condoms around, even if they weren't fucking everyone in sight?
Also, stop with all the dumb sexual innuendo. Everyone knows you like to have sex. It's basically the premise of this show that you will have sex with one of these three people based on how many Blink 182 CDs they own. And stop getting so excited about the spy kit. And stop using any excuse to use the tongs. Use the rubber gloves instead.

It's this sort of pathetic, middle American drivel, freshly regurgitated each time I turn on the television, that makes me hate everyone .
This is all for now.

I believe this satisfies Kaczander's request for "pop-culture"...um, "whatever the fuck he said."
Next up will be an essay entitled "Fuck Our Troops," that is, if I ever get around to writing it.

Response Time #2

2005-02-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

Hello all and welcome.

In response number #1, I dealt with the question of Marie, and in response number 2, I will deal with the inquiries put forth to me about that photo blog thing, and the eating thing.

Ok, so the photo blog thing:
What the fuck is this? I don't know where Jacob found this, but it is the most confusing and, thus, seductive thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I went through every archive, every comment, looking for some sort of fucking explanation. All I found were a bunch of comments by guys thanking her for renewing their nurse fantasies, which I thought was pretty trite and stupid.
At first I thought it must be a way for some girl to keep in touch with her long distance boyfriend. Like," Hey baby, I'm putting up a new picture right now, I miss you so much, here it is." That sort of thing, then I realized that this girl is just a moron who for some reason believes this will enhance her life some how. My final judgement is that this blog would be better if she got naked more.
Look for yourself, just go to the comments section of the "Listen, I'm out of ideas" post.

So, time for mystery commentor:
The reason all you do in Michigan is eat, shunning eating in other places for more active pursuits is two-fold. First, you live in Michigan, therefore you don't exactly go around, seeing the sites (oh, how numerous they are!) everyday, because, again, you live there, you've seen them. And second, on vacation, you only have a limited amount of time, so you try to do everything you can, and eating falls by the wayside.
I can personally attest that this is not just a Michigan thing. I live in Chicago, the third largest city in the country, and I find that eating is definitely one of the few social habits here as well. That, and drinking. It was the same when I lived in New York over the summer-- while the first two weeks were full of activity, and weight loss, in the end most social activity was predicated upon meeting to eat somewhere. That, and drinking.
So, problem solved.
Now who are you? Seriously? I NEED TO KNOW. I just broke a grammar rule, so you know I must be serious. Unlike Kaczander, I don't see the need to actively contribute to the slaughter of the English language.

That's all for today, it's been a long one. More tomorrow, I promise.

Response Time #1

2005-02-17T04:10:00.000-08:00

So, having gathered all the responses I think I'm going to get, it's probably time to answer them. It's 6:30 AM, so please forgive any incoherency on my part.

So, to Marie's humble request that I write about her:
I met Marie during orientation. She was wearing a cute dress that had cherries on it. She was reading. She was the only person I had seen all day that had been wearing a cute dress with cherries on it, or reading. I think she was also smoking at the time but I can't be sure. Either way, she looked cute, and I approached her and introduced myself, something I hadn't really done all day, since everyone else was way too eager to approach me and introduce themselves. To be honest, I really liked her and it made me happy that she seemed to like me as well. (Later I found out that she had hated me when we met, that she thought I was the most pretentious asshole she had ever known. Believe it or not, this is usually a good sign, as most of my best friends usually hate me when we first meet.)
We made fun of our fellow future Loyolans together. I liked that she was North Irish, and that she had black hair and pretty blue eyes. She seemed sweet and intelligent and at least as bitter as I was about coming to this school.
The rest is sort of history in the making. We came to school, and saw each other again. I pretended not to remember her name. Well, actually, I don't remember whether or not I actually forgot her name or just pretended to. I think either way I would have made her reintroduce herself. We became friends. Everyone wanted to date her. She had a boyfriend from home. We spent more and more time with each other as school began. I don't remember exactly how it happened, or I do and just don't think a blog is the best place to write about it, but she broke up with her boyfriend and then started dating me.
She is the most serious girlfriend I have ever had. I don't like the idea of committing to anything, but with her it wasn't really like that. We've been officially dating since Halloween, so it's been around three-and-a-half months now.
She's really pretty. She has big, soft lips. She's very smart. She's a gentle person, a martyr, really. She reads a lot. She knows more about literature than me, although she refutes the subtle genius of Bret Easton Ellis, which I think is a major oversight on her part. She tells me when my jokes aren't funny, which is, apparently, often.
If she's looking for some sort of confirmation of my devotion I can offer this: I have stayed up all night because of you.

The rest of you will have to wait until I get some sleep.

Is blogger working?

2005-02-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

This is a test of the blogging machinery thing, because each time I check my blog, the last post I made keeps not showing up. It's really upsetting.

Listen, I'm out of ideas

2005-02-08T01:27:00.000-08:00

Hey,
I haven't posted in a while. This isn't because I don't love you, it's because I can't fucking think of anything to write, or, rather, I can't think of anything to write about right now. So I'm giving you, the readers of my blog, the chance of a lifetime, or...umm...something.

Anyway, just leave a comment (in the comments section!) with the topic you, the readers, would like me to write on, and I will do my usual snarky, pseudo-intellectual elitism thing. The topics can be as broad (The meaning of life), or as specific (why I am a dipshit) as you like. Seriously, this is your chance to find something incredibly stupid and make me write about it.
I will be honest, I will forthcoming, and I will put actual thought into this.
Because I have nothing better to do.

I hope it's not just Jacob coming up with 100 things for me to write on.
Also, leave your name with your topic.

We are all Zach Braff

2005-01-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

I wrote a review of Jesus, and it's on the black list this week. Here it is , you will love it. Reviews thus far have been wonderful. Jacob liked it (thanks for doing the post yesterday), Marie liked it. Some guy named Mike McLaughlin wrote me an email that just said, "wow." I'm not sure what that means, but I'm pretty enthusiastic about it any way.

Also, to tie up a few "loose ends" as I like to call them. Someone asked me what the top DVDs I bought on my month long spending spree were. Well, first and foremost were the three volumes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force that filled my days with laughter throughout break. Also, "Kill Bill Vol.2"-- one of my favorite movies of the year, Fellini's "La Dolce Vita", Luis Bunuel's "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie", "Gimme Shelter," and Godard's "Une Femme C'est Une Femme" or as it's known to the un-cultured mouth breathers of the United States (me), "A Woman Is a Woman." So these are those, and by those I mean my favorite DVDs I bought.

Also, who are you Mystery Commenter? I've asked everyone who reads this, or so I thought.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Residence Hall directors, who I hear are scared of me now, possibly because they think jews have tails and horns. To answer the question I know you're all thinking, yes, I plan on using this to my advantage. So watch out for part II of my uplifting story of overcoming intolerance and anti-semitism tomorrow.

Gabe, thanks for the comment, and of course I know who you are-- we met over break at the little brown house.

Or as I like to call them, "Toikeys."

2005-01-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

So I walked downstairs and saw a huge pro-life rally, complete with candles and posters with dead babies on them, and I got really scared. I wish all of these people would go here and leave me alone.

-also-

Everyone needs to watch this immediately. It isn't remotely offensive or anything, just funny.

Click Me!

-finally-

Special thanks to Jacob Jeremy Nathan, devoted Banality follower, to assisting in the logistics of this post.

"... And now hearing the case of: Jewboy v. The Evil Goyem Establishment..." Part I

2005-01-23T19:05:00.000-08:00

All year I have secretly been waiting for these dumb Jesuit fucks to do something to incite the agitation-loving, embattled jew in me. I've been bored here, and if there's one thing I like doing, it's fucking with people and institutions over rules and regulations I find stupid. However, in this situation, I actually feel as if I'm doing the right thing for not only me, but every jew that goes to this school.
On the first day of Chanukah, I received a package from Temple Israel containing some prayers, a nice letter about what Chanukah means to the jewish people, a dreidle, a menorah, and a box of candles. While I've never been a very active participant in my religion, I've always felt a strong connection to the jewish community and, most importantly, I have recognized that my judaism seperates me from nearly everyone who goes to this school. I tacked the letter and the prayers up on the outside of my door, and put the candles in the menorah, where it sat, unlit, throughout Chanukah, as a decoration, one badly needed in a sea of christmas lights and manger scenes here on campus.
You can imagine my surprise upon my return from break to see that the candles had been taken. In their place? A pink slip saying that they had been confiscated during break's winter inspection as a fire safety hazard. "Fine," I thought, "if they honestly think these constitute a fire hazard, these idiots can keep them." I didn't really think about it again until I received an email stating that these candles constituted a fire hazard, and that I was being fined $25 because of it. As you all know, I could really care less about money. In fact, I have spent more money on dumber things than anyone I know. I once paid 125 dollars for a t shirt.
However, this was money that I was being told I had to pay because I celebrate a holiday that utilizes symbolic candles instead of a big fucking tree. At this point I was quite angry. I called my father, told him I wanted to dispute this, and he of course said that he agreed with my decision.
But it gets worse, as once I started reading the regulations under which I had been fined, I realized the depths of their intolerance, and the flagrant disregard for their own rules when it comes to holidays they support. It's very odd that while they have a rule banning "natural vegetation of a combustible nature","live Christmas tree and evergreen boughs" being the examples they give as to what is banned, that they would have a fifteen-fucking-foot christmas tree on the bottom floor of my building. An even more disturbing case is how the rule stating that, "Decorations, displays or structures of any kind erected in a manner that block or obstruct an exit door, hallway, circuit breaker panel, fire hose cabinet or fire extinguishers are prohibited" was completely disregarded during the halloween "floor decoration" competition. During the competition, every floor's doors were blocked, things hung from the ceiling, black paper and posters covered doorways and just about every other part of that rule was broken.
But did anyone get fined for that?
The answer, obviously, is "no".
This school is obviously pursuing anti-semitism at it's most base level, and I for one will not stand by idly and let these Nazis get away with bullying minorities because they're different.
I've called Temple Israel, and the Rabbis are sending me a letter to give to them stating how saddened they are by this situation. If need be, I will make this a publicity nightmare for the school. Remember: No one likes to be called a Nazi in the press, let alone a university that supposedly prides itself on it's tolerance and acceptance of it's diverse student body.

I will keep you updated on my personal struggle for jews everywhere.

Read Me

2005-01-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

This is seriously the funniest thing I have ever read. It gives me hope for the next generation of youngsters growing up in our school system, because they are obviously teaching these kids how to make their gigantic, swinging balls work for them. here

A New Year, An Overdue Post

2005-01-16T02:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything in a long time- I suppose I should get all four of you caught up on what's been happening in my life, as if you care.

I didn't go to New York, instead I got drunk at Lacey's.
A Million Monkeys (sketch comedy group) played sketchfest. Against overwhelming odds I somehow learned my lines, and recited them successfully. We are now disbanded.
I never got around to doing my NYU application over break, I suppose I will have to do it sometime in the near future.
I have been buying DVDs at the rate of 7 per week since I have been home.
Kaczander is correct about Bloc Party being a good band. I may even write a review if I find the time and/or the energy.
I apologize to Jacob for ignoring this blog for so long.
I go back to school in two days.
I will probably start writing regularly once I get back to my "Banal" (sorry) existance at Loyola.
I joined facebook, which is really addicting- kind of like Myspace, back when it was cool.

That's all for now, I'm going to bed.

My Brother Is Awesome

2004-12-15T21:55:00.000-08:00

"hey steve its jake, im bored and im excited for you to come home. friday is my birthday so i think we are all going to do something at vinnies house saturday, so that should be fun. give me a call because i havent talked to you in a few days, see you saturday.

-- Jake
p.s.

i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one"

Where does he get this shit?
Oh yeah, me.
And Jay-Z.

If you havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got Ninety-Nine problems but a bitch ain't one.
Also, Lacey, I'm home from the 18th of December to the 18th of January. Also, Kaczander, I will gladly show you around Loyola. And also, Jordan is very pretentious, thus the comment.

A Few Items

2004-12-15T15:57:00.000-08:00

So,
I'm writing a paper on how today's labor unions fit into Marx's framework for revolution. It sucks and I hate it.
I want to apologize to Ben for making fun of him in the review I did for the Tortoise show. It's a matter of personal taste, really, and it should not be taken as a personal attack. Besides, I didn't hate the show that much, in fact, I hardly listened to Tortoise while I was there. Most of what I said was meant to be funny.
Anyway, for most of break, which starts in two days, I will be home. And it goes without saying that anyone that reads this (Jacob, Kaczander, Lacey, possibly Ross, possibly other people I don't even know about) should give me a call. I'll be in NYC from the 28th through the 4th, living the pretentious life with Jordache and some british people who will also be staying at his apartment. Also, if you aren't doing anything the 13th of January, you should drive to Chicago and watch my sketch comedy group perform at the Chicago Sketch fest- it promises to be most comical, with an emphasis on cheap humor, like punching people who happen to be holding boxes of samurai swords, licking my mom's face, pterodactyls getting laid, Zombies, giant butterfly monsters, scientists killing children, crabwalking mimes, people late for their tumbling classes, and the biggest joke of all, you.

Hope to see you there,
Captain Banalingus

I lied

2004-12-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

You know what, fuck you, I'll post an hour after I tell you I won't if I want to. What are you gonna do, shoot me? Well, if you do, buy my casket here , you'll get it cheap.

I'm Lazy- here's something I wrote for school

2004-12-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted anything in a while, and it's because finals are coming up and I'm fucking busy so you can all lick my balls. I wrote this piece for my freshman seminar, which is the most boring and useless hour of my week. I had to write a review of a "chicago" event, to prove that I had actually left campus and done something, instead of sitting in my room, on the internet, which is what I really do.
So Basically Ben told us this band Tortoise was awesome and that we had to go see them, so we did and it sucked.

Chicago Event: Tortoise at Millennium Park

Close your eyes… ok… good… now imagine a neo-yuppie hell. This is what I encountered upon arrival to Millennium Park’s Pritzker pavilion to see Tortoise, part of Chicago’s “World Music Festival”: 30 year-old junior executives and their fiancés sitting on blankets, sipping turning leaf chardonnay and enjoying a nice cheese and fruit plate, no doubt purchased at a local grocer specializing in cliché foodstuffs for people that try too hard. I couldn’t believe that I had been duped into coming to this- had I known the crowd was going to be of the Ikea/Williams-Sonoma/Brookstone patronizing variety, I would have gladly stayed home and stared at the blank walls of my dorm room, happy in the knowledge that at least this way I wouldn’t be surrounded by carbon copies of my father in the mid-eighties. Conversely, there were hippies, which, while I am no fan of hippies, probably made the yuppies more un-comfortable than they made me. I was actually worried, for a brief period, that the proximity in which these two polar opposites were occupying would cause some sort of shift in the time-space continuum. Or that their heads would explode. I can’t imagine anything more disturbing to a hippie than the realization that their musical taste was shared with the great Satan sons and daughters of capitalism.
Now that we have that out of the way, it’s important to note that I had never heard Tortoise up until the moment they came on. However, once they did, I immediately realized why: they play the sort of music I was so fond of making fun of. They remind me of restaurants that pride themselves on having so many trendy, diverse influences (African, Asian, Native American, Icelandic, Yiddish, what have you) that they completely lose sight of making something actually enjoyable.
That’s not to say there weren’t high points. The fountains at night are incredibly beautiful. On a summer night there are few more satisfying endeavors than sitting on the steps, watching children play in the shallow bed of water that beautifully reflects the faces and colorful light the two towers emit. It’s almost life affirming, really.
Also worth noting is how visually striking Frank Gehry’s design for the music pavilion is when it’s light up at night. In my well-informed (ha) opinion, it’s one of his best works to date; a truly inspired piece of work that the whole city is free to enjoy.
It really is too bad the concert was so horrible- it didn’t do the venue justice. But it doesn’t really matter-the concert was free.

So that's it. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it, because I enjoyed making fun of yuppies and hippies at the same time (not something that often happens, unfortunately). You will probably not hear much of me until finals are over. But maybe you will, I have no idea.

Once Again, I am superior to Kaczander

2004-12-01T22:52:00.001-08:00

Kaczander posted the supposed "leak" of the 2005 2005 Coachella Festival but it seemed to me to lame to be true. My intuition was proven once again correct when i saw this on defamer (third item down). Basically, it was all, as Defamer puts it, a "cruel joke" by some asshole who wanted to fuck with people. So basically, what I'm trying to say is that this blog is not only better, but far more responsible in its' reporting, than Autumnattic . However, Aututmnattic will remain our favorite person to drunkenly push in to pine tree while said person is drunkenly urinating into said pine tree.- that much is certain.

GO GO GO

2004-12-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

Go here and do what it says, this is your big chance to make your parents proud.

File This Under "Hungover"

2004-11-28T10:41:00.000-08:00

So basically this has been a very eventful vacation for me. And by "eventful" I mean I was drunk for most of it. When this sort of thing happens, it's best to write down the story immediately, so the details don't get lost in the annals of the booze-addled mind but I didn't, and I'm sorry, let's just drop it, alright?

So thursday night I didn't do anything because I was tired and I had just gotten home. But Friday, oh Friday, what a wonderful night that was. In fact, so good, that I'm going to use it as a metaphor for the entire vacation, because even though the rest was good, this was certainly the high point:
So Lacey, Ross, Jaki AND Stephanie Jurist, and I went to see Electric Six, arguably the greatest thing to have come out of Detroit since we invented cars. I hadn't seen Stephanie since I left NYC, so it was great to criticize Chicago nd Detroit with someone who had the same standards as I- namely those of an intensely elitist snob. We drank a lot at the Magic Stick before making the trek to the other side of the building and entering the Majestic. This is where the night got went into hyper-turbo awesome mode. The first thing I spot as I walk in is a spritely Japanese girl dancing her way through the crowd, dressed as some sort of pink power-ranger/kooky Japanese thing. "Awesome," I think to myself, but then I look on stage, and what do I see but a Banana playing guitar, an indian chief on Bass, and the glam rock space alien version of Kato Kaelin playing drums. They sing un-intelligible, japanese nonsense to fast, repetitive punk riffs. The little english they speak is usually in between songs and is also kooky japanese nonsense. I am just eating this shit up, so is everyone else, for that matter. Suddenly, pink power ranger girl jumps on stage and starts pulling random people up with her. I seize the moment, and after several failed attempts to make it up, I finally get on stage, front and center, and I am handed a tambourine. Ross and Lacey somehow made it up there also. We dance around, and I play the fuck out of the tambourine. No one has ever rocked a tambourine harder, or drunker. After the song is over, we jump offstage, and find Jaki and Steph, who have been watching all of this from the bar. After several more songs, the band hands there insturments over to random people pulled from the audience (who play the song perfectly, since it's one chord over and over) and set up a bowling lane through the middle of the crowd, the indian chief, who also has two foot dreadlocks, grabs Ross, beer in hand, cig in mouth, and they throw the Japanese guitar playing banana down the lane at pins. Ross fucked up the first time and let go too late, but they got a strike on their second try. The rest of the show is sort of an awesome blur. I remember meeting the band after the show, and that all they could say was "arregato" (to which I replied, "domo arregato, Mr. Roboto, because I am a drunk stupid fuck), I also bought a shirt from the pink ranger, who was their merch lady. You have to admire that sort of dedication from the usually sullen and annoying merch person. They are called Peelander-Z (pronounced "peelandaaaaaaaaah-Zaaaaaayy") and you should not buy their album, because it's probably horrible. You should, however, follow them around the world and go to every show. Electric Six was just ok, because they are getting tired of being the greatest thing ever. Their live shows have been going downhill for as long as I can remember, however, so this came as no surprise.
Alright, thats all for now, I can't deal with trying to remember things, possibly more later tonight.

We're Blogin' in Stereo

2004-11-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

So, I have a short quiz for you:
What do you get when you take Steven, Add a Nineteen page paper, 20mg of Aderol, 3 Red Bull, and Five Cups of Coffee, and subtract a nights' worth of sleep? You me, this morning, so jacked up and shaky that I actually talked to people in my Modern Art Lecture this morning.
What follows are my actual notes, written in real time, unedited, I swear I'm losing my fucking mind but it's entertaining.
[ edit note: I am leaving all of the spelling, grammar, and "sleep deprived idiot" mistakes in this post because I believe it adds more realism to this post, or something.]

Dada
Marcel Duchamp- it’s really the idea, not necessarily the touch of the artists, that makes something art.
It all has political, social, art historical conceptualism
Emphasis on the “ready made”
Appropriation

I refuse to take notes today
I will only write random, nonsensical things to make me laugh
This is in keeping with the Dadaist/Surrealist tradition of chance and subconscious

Cheese bridge tooth fairy lollipop

Ape tooth griddle cakes

Mcdonald’s cancerous dog hair

Schlomo Von Bonaventure

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!

Rinaldo makes the finest cement this side of the Berlin Wall

This is not an exit, but that doesn’t mean you should fear the robot any more or less than you should fear the emptiness in a bottle of Vodka or a new washer/drier set.

Shoot for the ground and all you’ll end up with is a handful of crying green things.

Blood for oil? What happened to money? I like money much more than blood.

The National Debt ceiling is now 8.2 Trillion dollars; it looks like this $8,200,000,000,000.00 but it’s much bigger in real life.

Like this:
$8,200,000,000,000.00 If the government gave me this amount of money, I would be the second richest nation in the world, and I would pay Bill Gates 1 Billion dollars just to shit on his chest. Then I would say something like, “Take that, you triflin’ bitch.” Then I would pay George Bush and Dick Cheney enough money to effectively make them liberals. And I would make Cheney eat Rumsfeld. And I would buy Condolezza Rice a mail-ordered Vietnamese Husband.

Camp ventriloquist nanny camel

Cubist vs. Cue Ball [CueB][all] Cue balls cube everything, and are therefore more consistent than Picasso and Brecht, who only practiced analytical cubism for two years.
Max Ernst- He was that guy who owned the ranch on that show “Hey Dude” which Alex has the theme song from on her computer.
The grominius bycicle, ganrished with bells, the dappered firedance blah blahblahblah fuck you Ernst, you’re work sucks anyway.
There was an indian guy on “Hey Dude” that looked like a younger, more Indian version of my father.
I remember a specific episode where the main storyline revolved around him having a bad case of “hat head.”

The old, anonymously european woman in my class has said more today than she ever has. Everything she has said has been entirely stupid and it’s obvious that she hasn’t learned a fucking thing all semester.

Kookey-Malooky flibble compost heap

The Battery on my computer has turned red because it is about to run out of power.

The Government is able to control us based upon two things: The Social Contract Theory and Computers. Therefore, the Government runs on Batteries. If the government runs out of batteries, chances are a bomb will go off somewhere and Arab people will inevitably be blamed.

Trifle, Truffle, Truffles are expensive, because special pigs need to find them by smelling them underground and then people dig them up based upon the behavioral patterns of a special pig. A truffle pig. I wonder if these pigs get turned into especially delicious bacon. Triflin’ pig.

My Weekend

2004-11-21T15:11:00.000-08:00

Now it's time for the weekly segment in which we talk about how fucking boring my life has been in the past forty-eight hours.
Well, this weekend I secretly went home. No one except Lacey (who will be mentioned more later) knew, and that's because I needed to get work done, and as such, chose not to engage in any socializing for the entire weekend. Not that this was a big stretch from my normal weekend, since I hang out with the same seven people every friday and saturday, and our idea of socializing is getting drunk in an apartment at columbia and not talking to anyone else- but I digress. I got in on Friday, around 8 at night, or earlier, I can't remember. I ate a lot, and got some work done. I stayed up all night, actually, getting work done. Then, I went to the Bloomfield Hills public Library, which, let me tell you, is a piece of shit to put to shame all other fecal matter. They don't even have wireless internet! Further, if their book selection is any measurement of the intelligence of the people that live there, we are all seriously fucked. "Brightest and Best" my big floppy cock. They had virtually no books on Pop Art, which I needed, and those they did have were the coffee table kind. They had no really critical books on the subject what-so-ever. And plus, the place is ugly, smells like old people, and is, ironically enough, filled with old people.

In other news, Lacey Jacobson(sen?) officially "can't stand this blog."
I agree with her.
She doesn't like the idea of a blog completely obsessed with political shenanigans and Lindsay Lohan (If only Lohan would run for office, life would be so much easier, have so much more clarity!). So, in response to this, I will be linking more,
"funny shit" like this , which is also socially responsible. (Thank you Screenhead for coming through in a pinch and helping me find a funny link in two minutes.)

This just in: Sometime this weekend, the remote control to my dorm room television has gone missing. Mike has reported that he looked "everywhere" and that he "could not find it" and that it "sucks" having to change the channel manually.

I'm going to go eat dinner soon, so this is where I bid thee (Jacob, possibly Lacey) farewell.

The Grey Lady's Down with The ODB

2004-11-16T18:31:00.000-08:00

Read The New York Times piece on the ODB. Watch as some jackoff tries to explain who the fuck the ODB was to the New York Times readership of old people.

In other news, I have learned how to link things, which is great.

Condi Rice has been rewarded for her willingness to follow Bush's every God advised whim, and her lack of diplomatic skills, by being appointed the new Secretary of State. Congratulations. Bitch.

Danger Mouse is a genius, watch The Grey Video Here.
Those of you not familiar with Danger Mouse are stupid, and probably not reading this blog. Because Jacob is really the only one who does.

Thanks Jacob.

In other Jacob related news, he has his own blog, which is a spin-off of mine, sort of, except he doesn't write in it... genius.

In closing, I leave you with this, which made my day, I've never even seen that show and I hate them.

What about France and Germany?

2004-11-15T14:36:00.000-08:00

With Colin Powell gone, the White House looks forward to a slightly less stringent approach to invasion rationale. And, according to this list we found floating around, they're taking advantage of that:

Country -- Reason to Invade

Iran --- Part of the Axis of Evil.
Syria -- Harbors terrorists.
Kyrgyzstan -- Too much like Kazakhstan.
North Korea -- Not allowed when on Atkins diet.
Egypt -- The pyramid is speaking to me.
Canada -- Mmmm....bacon....
Ukraine -- Started that whole cellophane wrapping of CDs and we hate that.
Thailand -- Well, now that Ashcroft's stopped spending the weekends there...
The Fauklands -- Dirty-sounding name.
Lichtenstein -- President does not believe this country exists.
National Geographic Society -- On every map, no apparent sovereign.
California -- Why not?
Poland -- Don't forget Poland.
(Via Wonkette)

The Only Way We Can Win + My weekend

2004-11-14T23:19:00.000-08:00

I forgot which other blog linked this, but it's a very interesting article on one of the few political strategies I've heard since the election that is actually plausible. Just go to www.urbanarchipelago.com.

My favorite rapper ever, The ODB, has died, from what, I have no idea, but I will miss his entirely absurd behavior.

My weekend was lame, except that I had the chance to hang out with the wonderful Jaki Jurist and get really fucked up on Friday. Seriously, I don't remember being this fucked up ever- largely because everytime I'm that fucked up I wake up on the floor and can't remember what I did- Jacob, you know what I'm talking about. I also had sex with a walrus.

Everyone should go to Heavy.com and watch the fensler films remakes of the old "GI Joe" PSAs that came on during saturday morning cartoons when you were five. They should also watch "Red vs Blue" because it's fucking funny and I said so.

I spent my entire day writing a paper on the reconstruction of Iraq. I had to come up with the six main actors, discuss their interests and power, and give a brief opinion on the next five years. I found this incredibly hard to do so, because most groups, even the UN, are avoiding Iraq like the fucking plague. Kofi Annan has suggested that the war was in fact illegal under international law, which I agree with, and thus far he has only committed six (SIX!) election experts to oversee the upcoming elections in January. I kind of agree- we've created this gigantic mess, and it should be our responsibility to see it through. That's not to say that I don't favor an international reconstruction effort, I just understand why other states and organizations wouldn't want to lose time, money, and lives rebuilding a country they had no part in destroying.

I haven't done Laundry in probably three weeks, and I am running out of clothes.
I still don't want to do laundry.

Insight From "Reality-Based" Society

2004-11-12T17:28:00.000-08:00

"In the summer of 2002, after I had written an article in Esquire that the White House didn't like about Bush's former communications director, Karen Hughes, I had a meeting with a senior adviser to Bush. He expressed the White House's displeasure, and then he told me something that at the time I didn't fully comprehend -- but which I now believe gets to the very heart of the Bush presidency.

The aide said that guys like me were ''in what we call the reality-based community,'' which he defined as people who ''believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.'' I nodded and murmured something about enlightenment principles and empiricism. He cut me off. ''That's not the way the world really works anymore,'' he continued. ''We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.'"
- From Ron Suskind's "Without A Doubt" in the October 17th issue of The New York Times

Everyone needs to find this article and read it, just so we have an accurate view of just how fucked we are. Believe me, it gets much, much worse in other parts of the article. Words fail me. If you are having trouble finding the article, leave an email address on the comments page and I can send it to you.

Odds and Ends

2004-11-12T04:20:00.000-08:00

It's 6:22 AM central time, and I have been up all night, studying for a test with begins in exactly three hours.
I thought I'd take a break and write about a few of my favorite new things.

Musicplasma- Takes a band you like, and creates a "brainstorm (Yes! I finally get to reference things I learned in fourth grade!)"- type map based upon amazon results. It's great for not only info on bands you like, but on bands you never knew you liked. www.musicplasma.com

Veiled Conceit- One of the funniest, most useless blogs of all time. I swear, no useful info, just a guy making fun the New York Times' wedding announcements. It's wonderful for those of you who, like me, hate everyone. www.nytimesweddings.blogspot.com

The Rude Pundit- Under a veil of misanthropic (read: hilarious), gratuitous (hilarious), and disgusting (ultra hilarious) insults lies some very good political insight into just how fucked our country and it's system is. This is probably my favorite site right now. www.rudepundit.blogspot.com

Hugh Grant, star of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures, "Two Weeks Notice," has recently stated that he is retiring from film acting, which is odd, since his newest film just opened- is he just trying to get out of doing press junkets?

Also, yesterday, I was bitten on the forehead by a deer in my office. More updates on this later. Good day

RIP Fez + Lohan

2004-11-11T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hot off the Defamer internet press, Lindsay Lohan and Wilmer "I've dated every celebrity you've ever jacked off to" Valderrama are reportedly breaking up.
This could mean the end of Fez's career, since "That 70's Show," or whatever he's in, will most likely end soon, and the market for a lovable, ambiguously gay hispanic side-kick is not exactly booming.
Quick! Someone create a new "it" girl for him to date, or else Fez's publicist will have to resort to releasing the Wilmer- Lohan sex tape they prepared for just such an occasion.
Wait, actually, erase that last sentence- those nipple slip shots a few months ago were definitely not enough.
ON WITH THE SEX TAPE.
Of course, this could all be just rumors, since, according to Kacz, "it's only true if it's on US Weekly, bitch."

In other news, I slept all day.
Also, if anyone has noticed, this site is quickly turning into some sort of begrudged Lindsay Lohan gossip/jealousy site. There are no current plans to stop this transformation, and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourself.

Stella, Stella, Stella

2004-11-10T23:18:00.000-08:00

Hey Jacob,
Tonight I was fortunate enough to watch quite possibly one of the funniest (in my opinion, though not in others') comedy acts this side of, umm, the world.
Michael Showalter( star and co-writer/producer, "Wet Hot American Summer"), David Wain( director and co-writer/producer, "Wet Hot..."), as well as every teenage, semi-hip girl's comedian crush, Michael Ian Black, comprise the three man comedy ass-fucking that is Stella.
Basically, this is humor for those of us that like to make fun of humor. Their act isn't really stand-up, nor is it sketch comedy. It lies somewhere in between, above, and below these. Their humor is based on telling jokes that are so old/lame/trite/stupid that you simply have to laugh. For instance, during tonight's show at the metro, they did an "improv game" where they took a random object (that was placed in the hands of an audience member before the show started), and came up with as many uses as they could. The humor in this was how uncreative and unfunny what they came up with was. The object was a purse, and, at first, they used it for things that were somewhat justifiable, however, by the end, they had ripped open the purse, squirted ketchup and mustard on it, and had turned it into a, "double cheesburger."
Their delivery is somewhat akin to Will Ferrel and Ana Gesteyer doing those middle school teachers/singers on SNL, only much funnier, because they are allowed to talk about getting carrot-fucked by a snowman on your perfect winter day.
I highly suggest you check out their short films on stellacomedy.com ( I still don't understand how to link things) or Heavy.com. I suggest checking out "Heavy" first, since most of the really funny ones are on here. If you like these, then check out those on their website.
They will be hitting up the Blind Pig In Ann Arbor on November 12th. There is a 7:30pm all ages show, followed by an 18+ at 10:30pm. Tickets are probably around 18 US Dollars, or 30.78 Dutch Guilders, for those of you flying in from the Netherlands for the show. I highly suggest that my Ann Arbor readership (Kacz, Jacob, Milgrom, and possibly Ruby) check them out.
In other news, Lindsay Lohan, who's possibly taking a trip to rehab soon, is said to be looking for a personal assistant. Endeavor, her agency, is taking applications, possibly. So if you want to be the sole person responsible for making sure she gets to the set of "Herbie: Fully Loaded" on time, while simultaneously keeping the coke habit under 2grams a day, you can go to Defamer.com, my favorite website, look for the post about this, and get her agent's info. Good Luck.

A Few Other Things

2004-11-08T22:27:00.000-08:00

I feel it's important to mention that Kaczander's blog is aproximately one hundred times better than mine. He knows how to put pictures in his, and it's well written, whereas mine is boring.

Also:
If you haven't seen the video (the photos don't do it justice!) of Tara Reid's accidental exhibitionism, go to collegehumor.com, then movies, it's probably the first one on there. It's truly amazing how stupid someone can be- she sits there, smiling like a moron who's completely unaware that her dress has fallen off, as photographers snap photo after photo of her, until her publicist runs over and re-covers her horribly deformed boob. The best part is that, judging from her smile, and the look of satisfaction on her face, she probably thought the reason they were snapping so many photos had something to do with people actually caring about her. That's almost too sad to be funny, almost.

What else? Oh, rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton are taking a "vacation" ( from copius amounts of cocaine), together some time soon. This certainly has nothing to do with Lohan being hospitalized with a mystery illness all weekend. Or Barton weighing less than I did when I was born.

The Past Few Days

2004-11-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Hey Jacob,
since you're the only person that reads this thing, all posts, until other people start reading this (doubtful) will be addressed solely to you.

Anyway, so this weekend (starting on thursday) both good and bad things happened to me. They will now be posted in chronological order, sub-divided into good and bad.

Thursday:
Good: I wake up on time and attend both of my classes. In philosophy, I give a presentation on Marx' "The Communist Manifesto," which accounts for 15% of my grade, I feel like it was well recieved by professor and classmates alike. After this, I finally go to the computer lab and fix my email account. I log on to my email account, see that my new UPass ( a card that allows me to ride public transportation for free) has been waiting for me for nearly a week. I run down and get it. Later, I go to a meeting for my sketch comedy group, where I drink free alcohol given to me by the producer and director, and listen as we go ver scripts, afterwards, we go to sushi, and I don't have to pay for anything.

Bad: I woke up and felt like shit. I don't think I paid attention to anything that my professor said in my first class. My philosophy teacher gave another boring lecture after my presentation, and I wanted to die. I had been waiting for that damn UPass for nearly a month, and when I asked where I would be able to pick it up at, they told me the mailroom. This school is incredibly inefficient. At my sketch comedy meeting, this depressingly un-funny girl brought a script so full of spelling errors that it was nearly impossible to read. So when we read it, light-heartedly joking about all the errors, she got mad and gave a huge speech on professionalism. Then the director and her got into a fight, because thats what they do each week. I want Mike, the director, to kick her out, but for some reason he doesn't want to. Sushi became really awkward when the part of the group we didn't invite ended up going to the same restaurant, and insisted on sitting at our table, which was much to small to accomodate four more people. Afterwards, I have to ride the train home with another person in the group who isn't funny and, judging from the conversation we had on the train, has no personality either.

Friday:
Good: I attend no classes, due to the hangover from the night before. That, and I just feel like sleeping until three in the afternoon. I realized that my father paid my credit card bill today, and thus I can once more use cash for normal things, instead of charging $4.95 at Jamba Juice. I go to get my hair cut, because it's getting mullet-ish. I get to Columbia College, where I have officially spent every weekend since their semester has started, around 8 o'clock, and we decide to go get something to eat. Later, we go back to the apartment and get fucked up and do nothing social.

Bad: I woke up and felt like shit again, even though it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The fucking idiot who cuts my hair misinterprets "taking the weight out, and evening out the back" as, "cut all of my fucking hair off." So now I have to re-grow all the hair this dumb whore cut off. After this, I go to Columbia ,and then had to come to grips with the fact that there wasn't going to be anything to do that night. So we figured we'd go to a bar. We go all the way to Belmont in the freezing-fucking-cold, we eat at Clark's, which should actually be in the "good" column, because they served us alcohol and the food was decent. Then we tried to go next door to Berlin, one of the few hipster places in this city, but the ass-clown bouncer won't let me in. So we leave, go all the way back to Columbia, get really high, and then I go to bed.

Saturday:
Good: Today is the first day of shooting on a thesis film for an Art Insitute student I'm helping in return for the ability to put it on my resume. I wake up on time, and get there, everything goes well. I get back to Loyola around six pm, and drag Marie downtown, where I buy six dvds that were under ten dollars, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs new dvd, which is awesome, but fourteen dollars. We go back to Loyola, she doesn't want to go to Columbia with me, so I leave her and get ready. While on the L stop, waiting for the train, I see a girl I had been hooking up with until a month and a half ago, when I stopped calling her, and returning her calls. This is in the good section because, due to her laid back nature, conversation is kept light, and nothing is mentioned about my ditching her. Later, when me and Harry (One of Ross' roommates) go to buy beer, the dorks next door, who look like ten year old mall skate kids, ask us to buy for them. They give me forty dollars for two six packs of miller light. Due to how stupid they are, I felt I had to take advantage of them, and with their money, I purchased our beer also. They didn't even ask for change when I came back out with their stuff- they were just happy to have alcohol. I ended up giving them something like sixteen dollars back from the original forty, and feeling less like a douchbag, having given them some money back. Later, we drink, smoke, watch Yeah Yeah Yeahs Live At The Fillmore, and watch cable in the kitchen until four o'clock in the morning.

Bad: Shooting the film was long and tedious, and the director acts like a crackhead, and is kind of scary, in a rapist sort of way. One of the actors is a crazy old man who has stupid ideas that he insists the director use. Other than that, Saturday was a pretty good day.

Sunday:
Good: I actually get some work done. And I don't die.

Bad: I had to get work done.

This is a really long post.

Today, nothing happened.

How Could Exit Polls Be So Wrong?

2004-11-02T23:16:00.000-08:00

All fucking day these exit poll people have been saying that Kerry would win by large margins in all the important swing states; and yet, we find ourselves looking at another four years with that little chimp fucker as our president. I've drank an entire bottle of red wine tonight, and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. Oh well, that's all for now. I'm going to have a cigarette, get naked, sit in a shower stall and cry for hours on end. As Jacob just said, I'll see you in Fallujah.

PS. If there is an actual draft any time soon, I will be moving to Switzerland. You're all invited- we can eat Toblerone and snowboard and speak french and german to our hearts' content.

First post

2004-11-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

So, this is the first post.....
I feel I should introduce all the reasons for creating this:
First of all, I live in a boring city. You may not think so, in fact, if you're from here and you read this, please tell me what you're doing on the weekends, because I just end up getting shitfaced and falling asleep. Due to my Boredom, I read a bunch of blogs all the damn time, so I tend to know what's newsworthy, hence I will clue in the four or five people that might actually read this.
Other than that, it's sort of a way to keep those still in Detroit and it's outlying suburbs informed of the goings on in my life; as if they care.